This week, a wave of depression hit me like the plague. I’ve been dragging my feet since Monday, through slush, snow., anger, and sadness. The sun shone a little today but was mostly overcast. Nonetheless, I am enjoying the longer sunny days now that spring is right around the corner – so that’s something to be grateful for. Today wasn’t a good day since my mood made me completely incapable of concentrating on the task at hand and thus, I left clinical practice early. I cannot afford to miss any more days so this depression needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. At least I am consciously aware of it and want to do something about the problem.
Here’s what I cannot do: I cannot pretend to be fine when I am not fine. In fact, people can see right through my facade. I know exactly what led to my depression and my neuroses caused me to negatively react, ruminate over the things I lack, and continue to dwell on my own shortcomings. However, even with strong willpower and determination to accept life as is, I don’t think that my depression could have been prevented. Eventually, I would have gotten “the news.”
What saddens me most is that I am not where I want to be in life, and I feel stuck which frustrates me so much. Part of me blames myself for royally screwing up school the first time around, thus forcing me to take not one but two degrees, and therefore, wasting 8-9 years of my life in university. I could have been a nurse by now. I could have been working in NICU by now. I could have had a house by now. I could have left this country by now. I could have been accomplishing better things by now. I could have been ahead by now. It feels like I am living in an illusion that is based solely on schedules, lack of time, coffee, deadlines…..and what for?
In order to deal with my depression, I plan on limiting distractions so that I can focus on school or at least until I finish the semester. There are 33 days left in the semester so during this time, I plan to limit all distractions in order to calm my worried little mind.
Thank you for understanding if I’m AFK.
Sereneluna 
Don’t live in the past and don’t bother yourself with “I could have had”. Live the moment and enjoy it! Do what you like and enjoy it! Definitely is not easy but it will help 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel like the things I am doing now are a way to “undo” my past mistakes. Honestly I do not enjoy school at all and it sucks the happiness from me. It’s hard to work on personal growth and development these days, even though I know its vital for my well-being. Comparing myself to other people is what started this downwards spiral. Thank you so much for reading my post, and leaving such a thoughtful comment. I’ll do my best to live in the moment and not let jealousy steal my joy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Never compare yourself with the others. Everybody has their life, everybody is different and we don’t know how their life really is. Try to enjoy yours! Try to do things that you like, even small things are making us happy, just try! You will always can do it! Be positive and keep going! 💕💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true! People like to post shiny-side up on social media. We don’t usually get to see the not-so-shiny stuff. I am dealing with the jealous green eyed monster so I think I may need to start meditating and trying to make sense of my emotions again, especially when things are hard right now. Small things even like coffee and tea, or spending some time outside (it’s a luxury) might be a good start. Thanks for your advice and encouragement! ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hey Hilary, l have tagged you for 321 Quote Me with the topic of Attitude 🙂
https://popsiclesociety.com/2019/04/16/3-2-1-quote-me-attitude/
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” – Albert Einstein 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for tagging me, Popsiclesociety! I’m not sure how to respond to these tags. What is required of me for this tag? Ty for including me ❤️
LikeLike
It’s a a good thing to admit you’re down. 🙂 Facing it up helps you get over it. At least partly. Think of it as falling in the water in a swimming pool. It’s only once you’ve reached the bottom that you can kick the floor to go back up. Now next step? Make a list. What you like, what you don’t. Two columns. Take your time. Then let it sit. Look at it again this may help you decide what you need/want to do with your life. Cheers.
Brian
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have a countdown for various things on my phone as a way for me to visualize my dreams and goals. Seeing the number of days helps me picture how how much longer it will take to reach them, but this approach has its downsides. I haven’t tried the list approach yet but perhaps I should. I have a very strong sense of what I want and hope to achieve. It’s managing everything in between that I have yet to sort out and navigate through, as well as learning how to embrace patience. Part of the reason I started this blog was so that I could make sense of my scattered, jumbled thoughts. Thank you for stopping by today and leaving your thoughtful comments, Brian. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pleasure Hillary. The list approach (which is best done in Excell, you can move it around, set dates (or not) sort, etc. has the advantage of not putting so much time pressure. No matter how goal-oriented you are, you have to realize that some things will take more time than “hoped” for. And you can jump from one item to other. Cheers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good suggestions. Excel spreadsheets are great. They’re also useful for phone numbers and addresses – helps keeps things in one place. I use countdowns and weekly lists on my phone to stay organized. The countdowns help me visualize goals. Again, thanks for your feedback and advice! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pleasure Hilary. Take care.
Brian
LikeLiked by 1 person
PS: Baby Reebecca is very cute. Congrats.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you very much 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
😉
LikeLike
It seems you’re focused on the past of what could have been, and the future of what will or should be. What about right now, though, girl. This chapter of your life isn’t some inbetween that lacks importance and value. You are where you are, and it’s ok if you’re not a nurse. You are where you are I’d you’re not a nurse yet… Because right now, you are setting goals. Right now, you are consciously taking control of your mental health. Right now, you are living towards becoming better and you’re taking steps to healthier living. There’s so much in your post that made me say Yas, you’re bad ass!! Right here, today, accept where you are and love yourself enough to forgive your mistakes. We’re all human. Biggest hugs!!! I’m so very proud of you!!
LikeLiked by 3 people
The earliest I can go back in January 2020. I made it almost to the end of this semester and will unfortunately have to repeat this semester and all of the courses because of the school’s rules. I’m worried that I may fail clinical again and if that happens then I would have wasted 3-4 years in nursing school. I’m afraid of failure. You’re totally right. Anxiety is often related to worrying too much about the future and depression often stems from dwelling on the past. Living in the present is where we should be at. Aww, thank you for the encouragement! I’m seriously trying my best and will continue to try hard. Xoxo ❤️
LikeLike
I know the feeling, i have been there, i just wish, that all turned out for you, the way you are expecting it, hugs❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve been through sluggish start too and felt the same.Amazing thoughts
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s been a particularly hard year but I’m trying to take things one day at a time. When life gets overwhelming, sometimes we need to step back, slow down, and breathe. Thanks for reading and commenting! 😇
LikeLike
You’re not alone in that😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
Focus on today to change our decisions and it will make good future. You have a lot of time to change our decisions. Don’t be afraid, take it easy and go ahead.!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I totally agree with you 🙂 Even the smallest decisions day by day can lead to something bigger over time. Thanks for stopping by! 😊💕
LikeLike
Hi, I hope you will visit my blog! 😃💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll check out your blog when I get a chance. Hope you are having a wonderful day ☕️🍰
LikeLike
Wonderful day to you too! ☺
LikeLiked by 1 person
When I try accessing your blog, I am unable to see it. I keep getting this instead:
thefragrantflowers.wordpress.com is no longer available.
The authors have deleted this site.
LikeLike
Hi Hilary, I hope by now you are feeling better. It’s normal to be sad and withdrawn sometimes, we cope differently. Some people can bounce back that quick, and some needs more time. You may not be in the schedule that you think should be, but remember that we have our own phase, and everything will fall into place in its perfect time 🙂 you will be a nurse one day and i know you will be a great one. 🙂 you will have your lovely house. I know you are working so hard and in time you will be rewarded.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Wifeblah! I don’t know your name, so I will refer to you as your blog name for the time being. Unfortunately, I am still in a dark place since I was forced to withdraw from nursing school. I won’t be able to go back until January 2020 and my GPA dropped a lot. Right now I’m only halfway through the accelerated program and have some time to kill in the meantime. This is definitely one of the most depressing times of my life. Usually I can bounce back quickly but not this time. Thank you for checking up on me. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I understand how you feel. Such feelings come to me too. But for the positive aura you usually carry about yourself, I am nominating you back for the Sunshine Blogger Award, Hillary. You have brought me my first recognition for blogging and I cannot thank you enough 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Aww, thank you for the nomination! 💕It will probably take me 1-2 weeks to write the post and publish it. I have another one lined up which I need to post before I post this one. I am truly flattered that you nominated me, and it means a lot to me that I was the first to nominate you for the Sunshine Blogger Award. Have a great weekend! 😊🌺
LikeLike
Yes, you are special to me in that sense. You have a great weekend too🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person