Medical Disclaimer: This post discusses personal experiences and emotional states for narrative purposes only. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression or mental health distress, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.
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I was sitting by my window at 9:30 PM, and the view was doing absolutely nothing for my soul. Usually, this is the time of night when I can find a bit of peace in the stillness, but tonight, the quiet feels restrictive. It feels like the universe is dangling a massive carrot right in front of my face—showing me exactly the kind of freedom I’m missing while keeping me tethered firmly to the ground.
Across the street, there’s a glow I recognize. I saw a delivery guy arrive earlier, and I knew exactly what was happening over there. They’re entering that “other” space—that expansive, unhinged playground of the mind. I can practically feel the shift in the air from my house. And yet, here I am, relegated to the sidelines, a spectator to a journey I wasn’t invited to join.
It’s a jagged realization when you finally see that your neighborly efforts have been a one-way street. I’ve been the one to reach out, to give, and to play the part of the “good neighbor.” But when the real connection happens, the kind that goes beneath the surface level of suburban small talk, I realized that I’m not even an afterthought. That so called “nice neighbor” didn’t mean a damn thing, and that hurts deeply.
Since my close friend moved away last October, that void hasn’t been filled. She was the one who met the “unhinged” side of me, the one I didn’t have a filter for. Now, I’m surrounded by people who only see the “mom” version of me. The utility version. The boring version. I’m craving a companion who can sit in the mess of the universe with me without judgment. Because going about it alone is well, boring too.
“I am a restless traveler of the mind… I am restless. I am at home nowhere.” —Anaïs Nin
Tonight, that restlessness is screaming. My husband suggested I just do my own thing tonight, but it reminds me of that Arthur episode where his mom tries to deflect what was on everyone’s minds by trying to distract the family: they weren’t invited, yet they too had severe FOMO! 😭
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Arthur walks Pal past the Molinas’ yard. Mr. Molina is barbecuing while Alberto plays with two boys of his age. He goes into his house.
Arthur: Hey, everyone. There’s a party at the Molinas! I’ll just change my clothes!
Mrs. Read: Arthur, I think it’s a private party.
Arthur: What do you mean?
D.W.: It means we’re not invited! Probably because you’re always bugging Alberto!
Arthur: I don’t bug Alberto… Do I?
Mrs. Read: Maybe they just wanted to see some other friends for a change.
D.W.: I don’t care if I ever see that Vicita again! Some people are so bossy! No, Kate, like this!
She takes Kate’s rattle and shows her how to shake it.
Arthur and his dad look out of the window.
Arthur: Alberto’s showing off some kendo moves. I bet they look really cool!
Mr. Read: Smells like chicken. I wonder what Ramon’s seasoning it with.
Mrs. Read: Why don’t we go to the movies?
She closes the window.
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More Spiritual Static…. Hello?!
My spiritual journey has been nothing but white noise lately. I’m searching for a signal, but tonight the universe is just trolling me. It’s like being shown the door to something deeper only to find it deadbolted, leaving me shouting into the void. How are you supposed to feel “at peace” when you’re the only person tuned into your own frequency?
And then, as if the universe wanted to drive the point home, my husband just casually asked if I could get a head start on the laundry….
Nothing kills a spiritual existential crisis faster than a basket of dirty socks. While the psychonauts across the street are likely having a great time, I’m navigating the rinse cycle in the laundry room. Honestly, the contrast is so sharp it’s almost laughable. It’s a physical reminder that while my soul is screaming for an escape, my reality is tied to household chores that have me in a chokehold. I’m expected to be the anchor while everyone else across the street gets to ride the waves. 🌊 ✨
(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ FINAL THOUGHTS
There is no polished blog post tonight. No mantra that makes the laundry feel like meditation. I just have the raw reality of being a boring Millennial mom with a big spirit, currently restricted by the mundane. I wish I had a trip buddy tonight instead of being stuck in my own head. I wish I had a safe space to just be, without being needed. But instead, I’m matching up socks and waiting for this heavy energy to lift. 🍄🌿✌️💕
ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ꜱᴘɪʀɪᴛᴜᴀʟ ᴡɪᴇʀᴅᴏꜱ ᴀᴛ?
♡ What about you? How do you handle it when your reality feels constricted? Let’s vent in the comments below ↓ I’ll do my best to reply to your comments within the next 24 hours.
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Thanks for stopping by! ♥
I rake leaves for therapy.
Raking sounds so peaceful. I’d join you, but the snow just melted here and all I’ve got is yellow grass! I’ll have to wait for the trees to catch up.
Sending love your way. I can’t offer much to help, but I can really relate to this. It’s hard. 💖
Thank you so much. Honestly, just knowing someone else relates and understands how hard it is means more than you know. Sending love right back to you. ✨💕
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I hope that you feel much better soon. My thoughts are that you deep inside wish that you were free and single. Free to do as you please. I hope you find a new friend soon. Ask your hubby to do the laundry for a change…
Actually, it’s not about the marriage or the laundry. I’m celebrating 10 years of marriage next week! 💍👰♀️
It’s more of a soul thing….the universe has been feeling “off” and things aren’t lining up. I just feel a pull for something more while stuck in the same old daily routine. Does that make sense? Thanks for reading and commenting.
I can totally relate; life can be lonely, and I feel it too when the night is alive and I am in my room sometimes, hearing the howl of midnight wanderers as if they are calling to me but I know it is not my time. It doesn’t make it any easier to know you are not alone; but you are not. This resonates with so many people and hey, they didn’t invite you to their party? They weren’t for you! I feel the same in terms of giving so much, it is in our nature to love deeply so it hurts sometimes when other people seem to not consider us.
Laundry SUCKS, if it is not something you enjoy and being asked to get a head start? Pffft! Have you tried listening to Subliminals or affirmations whilst doing laundry? Turn a mundane task into actively creating your dream life. Even affirmations such as ‘every time I do laundry, I receive more freedom for the highest good of all’. Sending healing and love your way! Xxx
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment. I really resonate with that feeling of the “midnight wanderers” —it’s a poetic way to describe that alive, sometimes haunting energy of the night. 🌙✨
I actually haven’t tried subliminals yet, but I do listen to affirmations, podcasts, and spiritual YouTubers while I’m doing chores. It makes those heavy tasks feel like a sacred reset instead of just a burden. Thanks for being here and sending so much love right back to you! ✨🙏
Oh boy, this was a very relatable read, and it’s like I could feel your pain through your words!! I definitely relate to how hard it is being on the sidelines observing, not getting past the small talk and feeling like your efforts to be open and cordial go without an afterthought. Your writing also helped me (maybe?) connect some dots between the “unhinged playground of the mind” and your poem a little while back, or maybe I’ve got it totally wrong! Either way, the feeling of being shut out of anything is awful. Spirituality is such a complex journey for each person, too. I feel like the progress comes in waves! If it’s any consolation, I’m glad that I, along with your many readers here, are able to see this deeper layer of you on your blog, not just the “utility” version! 🤗💕
Yes, you are totally on my wavelength, and yes this is related to that poem—good memory! For me, that “unhinged playground” is strictly about those natural, earthy teachers. I don’t touch the green stuff 🌿 but I’ve definitely found some insight through golden teachers!
It really feels lonely sometimes, especially with my neighbors. They’re a weird bunch, but they haven’t included me in anything, which is honestly so frustrating. It’s tough when you feel like you’re just observing from the sidelines, so having you see that deeper layer behind the meaning of this blog post (and very cryptic writing if I do say so myself) means the world to me, especially since you’ve been reading since the very beginning! Thank you for sticking by me all this time. 🤗💕
I felt this entire thing. This morning I just sat in my car by myself, letting all of my anger out in the safest place I possibly could at that moment. I let out all of my anger at God and at the Universe echoing, “Why do you dangle this all like a carrot in front of my face?” Knowing I’m good enough to have the freedom that I desire. Knowing how hard I’ve tried and tried with the best of intentions. Then as soon as it looks like things are going well and working out, then every single time the rug gets pulled out from underneath me in an instant… every single time. It’s agonizing. Especially because I know I’m sincere, and that I’m genuinely showing up and trying.
I’m so sorry you’re having to experience this type of pain right now. Especially with your close friend having to move away. Life is so painful when we don’t have someone who can just see us, and be with us fully in that presence that we can’t show everyone else. Those type of people who do that for others have such an incredible and special gift. To be able to let our guards down without filters or masks is just so beautiful and special.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s very deep and comforting to know we’re not alone in this world. And that I’m not the only one experiencing something like this. I more than applaud this vulnerability! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you so much, Christopher, for your detailed comment and for sharing your heart like this; it is much appreciated! ✨🤗 Knowing that this blog post is reaching incredible people like you makes me have no regrets about being so open and vulnerable.
This is exactly why I enjoy blogging, but what made this specific blog post different was that I wrote it from my higher self. I truly feel like I’m just a vessel working through God lol I received these ideas yesterday evening and knew I had to put them into words because I had no other way of processing these difficult emotions! 👩💻🙇♀️
I am so glad it could offer you some comfort and remind you that you aren’t alone. Thank you again for taking the time to read it! 🕊️🤍
Sending a hug. At various times in my blogging journey on WordPress, you have reminded me a little bit of me. Even though our lives have a different external structure (i.e. I am not a mom except to 4 rowdy little animals nowadays…) and I feel like I have been reading your stuff off and on since like before the pandemic or something. Loneliness is a hard thing to grapple with (I deal with it a lot honestly) because let’s face it: there just isn’t an easy solution. It’s not a quick fix kind of thing. Which is the reason I used to drink my face off, to numb those awful feelings. Sitting with it, as you have done, is difficult. Really hoping something good happens and that you feel better soon. Did you ever check out Danielle Lynn, the YouTuber? She helps me and I kinda wonder what you think of her. She may not be your bag but I’m curious what you think. About 4-6 posts ago on my blog I included a link to one of her videos. Appreciate your open vulnerability – it’s rare. When I am feeling that way and I see a bunch of either joyful spiritual posts from my spiritual guide on WordPress, or alternately I see a bunch of instructional posts from bloggers acting like they have it all together and telling me what to do, it tends to make me feel even MORE isolated. So although you are in pain I want you to know that your honesty is incredibly refreshing. But that being said I still hope the negative feelings pass soon.
Thank you so much for the hug 🤗 I really appreciate you sharing your own struggle with loneliness. It’s definitely not a quick fix, and sitting with those feelings is so much harder than numbing them. It’s a relief to connect with someone being real, especially when so many other bloggers act like they have everything figured out! Thank you for following my journey for so long.
I was actually able to get in a very much needed trip a couple days ago, and it was honestly better than whatever I missed out on last weekend. It was intense and it broke my brain in all the right ways. IYKYK ✨. I also wanted to let you know that I subscribed to Danielle Lynn’s channel after you mentioned her and I’ve already watched a couple of her videos. Thanks again for the recommendation! 💖🌙
Hilary that’s awesome on all fronts! And I am glad you find Danielle helpful. The first part of this week was shitty for me and watching a couple of her videos really helped. So glad, I wasn’t sure what you would think about her.
I totally agree, Danielle’s take on things is so refreshing and different. I get why not everyone would vibe with her though. Spirituality can definitely seem a little “woo-woo” lol and people either love that or it goes right over their heads. 🤷♀️
I have a couple of other spiritual teachers I follow on YouTube too. 2 of my favorites are Victor Oddo and Kyle Cease, and I often turn to them for guidance and clarity. When it feels like nobody else is being very helpful or it’s impossible to have a deep conversation, it’s comforting to know that we aren’t “losing our minds.” I usually listen to them or podcasts while doing boring things like laundry; it really helps ground me! Ha.✌️💕
I’ll have to check those two out.
It may have been divine intervention that you weren’t there. I don’t know where your faith lies, but sometimes being left out is actually protection and redirection. Not every table deserves you, and not every room is aligned with where you’re meant to go. I wouldn’t want to sit somewhere I wasn’t invited and you shouldn’t have too either. You are valuable, and the right spaces will recognize that. ❤️
I know you weren’t talking to me but I really like this comment. That’s a great perspective on this.
I think you’re both right. I was actually able to get some very much needed relief a couple days ago, and it was honestly better than whatever I missed out on last weekend. I went in with zero expectations and walked away with some profound realizations and lessons. Looking back, I can see how that “redirection” you mentioned really did lead me exactly where I was meant to be. Your words about protection and value really hit home for me—thank you for that reminder. ✨🌙
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Oh dear Soul, sitting with the heaviness is sometimes the only thing to do, to be…it is just a moment in time that can feel forever. For me, being in the fetus position is incredibly comforting and breathing through my chest…May you always find your way dear Hilary!🧡
Thank you for your kind words. You’re so right that sometimes sitting with the heaviness is all we can do, and it really can feel like forever in the moment. I appreciate the reminder to just breathe through it.
I’m actually feeling much better now and was able to find some peace and clarity a couple of days ago. It was a much-needed shift. Wishing you all the best. ✨🌙
The reason I write. I work, have a family, and volunteer…but there’s limited time to dig into any topic deeply. I cherish moments when I find myself at the right place and the right time to chat, but they are far and few between.
I totally get that. It can be so hard to find the time and space to really dig deep when life is constantly pulling you in different directions. Those rare moments where everything aligns for a meaningful conversation are definitely something to cherish. Thanks for sharing that with me. 😊💕
Absolutely. I am an escapist. A simple task like getting the laundry done can feel soul crushing. I want to go beyond this world.
Hi Laura! I totally feel you on that. It’s so hard to ground yourself in the mundane when your spirit is craving something more. It really does feel soul-crushing when your mind is somewhere else entirely.
I was actually able to find some clarity a couple of days ago, and perhaps that’s the silver lining in all of this. It was way more eye-opening than I could have ever imagined. ✨
Household chores are hard not to accomplish because a lot of people relies on it (for me, I think). Sometimes I could only think if it’s ok not to do it, even just for a day, haha..
Laundry sucks! And the pressure of everyone relying on you to keep things running makes it feel impossible to just take a day off. Sometimes we really do just need to give ourselves permission to let the chores wait so we can breathe lol
The pressure, right? The chores contrast with it and the permission to make it wait..
Permission granted! The dishes can wait; the mental reset can’t! 😅
Right? 🤣
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Hi! I tagged you for Spreading Light. https://dancer2010b49ab801397.wordpress.com/2026/05/16/spreading-light-a-tag-challenge/
Thank you so much for tagging me! This is actually the first time I’ve been tagged in a post like this!
Really? I will have to remember you for tags in the future. I hope you have fun with it!
Thank you so much for thinking of me! 🙂 I often promise myself I’ll do these and then never get around to it lol…. but if I do, I’ll let you know. I actually used to participate in the Sunshine Blogger Awards, but I stopped after #10 because it just became too overwhelming! 🙈