Medical Disclaimer: This post discusses personal experiences and emotional states for narrative purposes only. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression or mental health distress, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Lately, it feels like the universe is trolling me with a massive wave of emotional unavailability from everyone around me. Since that deep, unfiltered connection is missing, there’s a heavy void where my deepest ideas and anxieties usually go. When the external world gets that quiet, you are forced to explore your own mind and sit with yourself. Like actually sit with yourself.

In my humble opinion, ego dissolution is absolutely terrifying.

The physical body sensations are completely uncomfortable, and I’ve reached a point where I just don’t like sitting “with” myself. It feels like a loud, messy inner battle against my own ego but not to the point where it’s a total ego death. IYKYK. Thus, I felt an absolute, desperate need to sit down at my keyboard this evening to write it all out, just to try and make sense of the toxic mental chatter and find a bit of clarity in the noise. 🍄🌿✌💕

An Uncomfortable Deep Dive into the Subconscious

I did a thing on October 6, 2026. Deciding it was time for a total spiritual “hard reset” to clear out the thick mental fog that’s been weighing me down lately, I leaned into my usual grounding ritual. I brewed a large mug of warm shroom tea, which consisted of a beautiful combination of my favorite strains 🌊🍄 It was a 2.06g dose, which is pretty standard for me, so I wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary. Whether or not I was ready for what was to come, I was forced to face an unavoidable discomfort within my own mind.

From the second it started to take effect, the external world completely fought against me. Almost immediately, I knew that the setting was totally wrong. There were loud construction workers right outside my house that morning, creating a jarring, industrial friction that instantly triggered a massive sensory overload for me.💫

The overwhelming noise had me curled up in a ball with my noise-cancelling headphones, as I started bawling my eyes out. Usually, I can stand on the shore and ride the waves out safely from the comfort of my couch, but this time? I couldn’t find peace to save my life. Everything felt physically restrictive. And every time I tried to turn inward to do some genuine “inner goddess” work, an intense panic took hold of me.

To make matters worse, I started choking on the air, coughing up a lung as I felt every tiny particle—even the cat fur—getting stuck in my throat. The raw sensations were simply too much to handle, and it felt as if my body was completely rejecting itself. At one point, I even threw up just from walking around the house; I had so much restless energy that I couldn’t sit still. Looking back, I believe I was physically trying to purge the heavy energy and emotional weight I was carrying.

When the Mirror Fights Back 🔮🌟

The real challenge was trying to remain calm on the couch, because the moment my consciousness shifted, every unpleasant, heavy sensation rushed straight to the surface. In these vulnerable moments, I realized how much I genuinely dislike just being “with” myself. Usually, I text a friend or two during these challenging hours to stay tethered to reality, but lately, it’s been total crickets. The isolation felt massive, and that deep aloneness magnified the internal discomfort ten times over. At one incredibly heavy point, a dark, intrusive thought crept into the shadows of my mind:

“I will just curl up in a ball by the wall on the floor and die.” ☹ I don’t usually have dark thoughts like that, so where on earth did that come from?

Despite everything I said, I don’t really believe in a “bad trip” in the traditional sense. Sure, I’ve had a couple of incredibly difficult trips in the past, but I’ve always gained valuable knowledge from them. A quiet spark of internal awareness kept me grounded, offering a gentle reminder that this was just a temporary state and that the heavy energy would eventually pass.

Sitting with the Discomfort of My Own Mind ⭐🍄

Because staying inside with my own thoughts felt so uncomfortable, I forced myself outside just to escape the internal discomfort. Walking felt like an absolute chore, leaving me completely spacey, disoriented, and high as a kite. Standing near the busy sidewalk, I felt as vulnerable as a five-year-old child trying to cross a street. While I knew better than to cross on my own, looking back, navigating the neighborhood in that state was incredibly overwhelming. I eventually ended up at the mall with my trip sitter, and the sudden shift in atmosphere was wild. It felt exactly like stepping onto a loud, flashing casino floor where my visual perception went into overdrive. The colors were intensely vibrant, and red was practically shouting louder than everything else in the building. 🙌

Ditching the Illusion of the Digital Circle 🌟✨

When the dust finally settled and my consciousness returned to its regular frequency, I sat in the quiet and came away with three major conclusions about why I have been so uncomfortable with myself lately.

1️⃣ Write without filters: I need to journal more and express myself openly, entirely free from the fear of judgement.
2️⃣ Disconnect from the noise: I need to reduce my screen time, step away from my phone, and actively stop doomscrolling.
3️⃣ Nurture my core: I need to practice being a kinder, better friend to my own soul, my mind, and my entire being.

---

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ FINAL THOUGHTS

True clarity isn’t always obvious, and sometimes it takes a deeply intense, eye-opening experience to break the veil and see things for what they really are. Sometimes, genuine insight is found in the rough, unpleasant realities that force us to re-evaluate how we treat our own souls. It wasn’t an easy journey, but it forced me to realize that I need to work on being a better friend to myself.

I’m stepping away from the screen now to make a hot cup of tea and just be present. For me, blogging serves as a powerful form of journaling, and it certainly wouldn’t hurt to write more often. This post wasn’t intended to advocate for any specific lifestyle, and I am definitely not suggesting that anyone else should try this—in fact, I firmly believe you shouldn’t. Everyone’s journey toward inner peace looks entirely different. Whatever you choose for your own self-growth, please remember to always stay grounded and prioritize your safety.

♡ What about you? Have you ever had an experience that was deeply uncomfortable but gave you exactly the clarity you needed? How do you ground your ego and practice self-compassion when you feel entirely alone? Let’s chat in the comments below ↓ I’ll do my best to reply to your comments when I have time.

♡ Enjoyed this post? If you resonate with my unfiltered musings and want to support this blog, consider checking out my Ko-fi page 💞

Thanks for stopping by! ♥