Whatever This Is

“Whatever this is, wherever this takes me, I will find my own way, one step at a time.” —nonsensical quote by Me, Myself, and I

COVID-19 has long extended its stay and it is starting to affect my life in a negative way. First, here is a quick update as to why I disappeared from the blogging sphere. I went back to school in mid September and I have been busy with 13hr-clinical shifts at the hospital. Days when I am not there, I am at home catching up on sleep. Things were going smoothly up until last week, when I was told to isolate for 14+ days as the unit is officially on coronavirus watch. I do not know what this entails except that I have been out of school for almost a week now with no return date in sight.

I do not like leaving my fate in someone else’s hands. 2019 and 2020 taught me to take control of my own life, where I started taking accountability and responsibility for all of my actions and fuck-ups. In this case, however, I am challenged by uncertainty and I do not like that. Skipping school, regardless of whether they are day shifts or graveyard shifts, feels wrong to me. Also, nobody else seems bothered by the fact that I am supposed to be at clinical right now, and yet here in my pajamas, frittering my life away. Am I taking life too seriously? Is my neurosis out of control? I am halfway through final semester and yet my hands are tied behind my back. I cannot move, as if I am a chess piece being cornered by the most obnoxious opponent ever. I am looking at you, COVID-19. And I do not want to play this game anymore.

The cat doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

We Are All Fine. Except We Aren’t Fine.

Is this depression? No, I know what depression feels like. Honestly, I do not know how to describe this empty feeling that I have been dealing with lately. I am sure that many of you have also been negatively impacted by the pandemic, whether it is directly or indirectly. Tell me, how are you coping with the pandemic? Are you fine? Because I am not fine. I think it is time that we stop convincing ourselves that this way of life is supposed to our new “normal.” Because this is NOT a normal way to live, people. All it takes is one covidiot to wreck havoc on someone’s semester, career etc. And this is the exception where I refuse to take accountability and responsibility for something that is completely out of my control.

In the meantime, my family and I are doing everything we can to stay healthy during these unprecedented times. People often tell me that they feel unsafe and overwhelmed that others aren’t following the rules. I remind them that we cannot control how other people think, act or behave. Instead of focusing on things that we cannot control, we would be better off focusing on more productive things. There is no reason to fear things like in-store grocery shopping for instance. Back in the day, online shopping did not exist during pandemics and people managed just fine. Do not fear grocery stores and malls – just do your due diligence by wearing a mask, washing your hands, and practicing social distancing. Use common sense and you should be fine.

If you never watched this show, then you missed out on childhood.

So now, I guess we play the waiting game and hope for the best 🤷‍♀️ In the meantime, I will be eagerly waiting for updates regarding school and how to proceed from here. I also plan to update you about my personal life in a future blog post but it is still too early to disclose any details yet. Today I feel like a hot mess as I sip my Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha, but I do not care. There is nowhere else to go. There is nothing else to do except wait and see what the future holds. This time, I am leaving my fate up to the Universe.

Thanks for stopping by!

great-vibes.regular (1)

Published by Hilary Tan

I am currently in the process of finding my inner goddess as I search for inner peace, find mental clarity, develop mental toughness, and crush goals. Come join me on this journey so we can live our best lives!

51 thoughts on “Whatever This Is”

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Thank you, Arristella. I appreciate your honesty. It’s perfectly OK to admit that we are not fine, even when everyone expects us to be fine. I’m also tired of pretending 🙇‍♀️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ZeroSpace says:

    I agree people shouldn’t avoid grocery stores and such. That’s a quick way to get bat shit crazy. I got a haircut yesterday. The gal wore a mask and shield, I had a mask. It was fine. Today I needed to get clothes. I went to the mall. Lots of hand sanitizer and of course the mask. It was great to get a haircut and it was great to shop, two things I hadn’t done since before February. Plenty of other people out shopping. In general I think people have a limit on how long they can hermit themselves. I think people are going out more.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      There is only so much hermit-ing that people can take. I will go out and run errands if I have to but try to limit it to things that I need to do. The last time I got my hair cut was December 2019. I need to get my eyebrows done again, if anything. I got them done beginning of September and they’ve gotten out of control again. It’s generally safe to go to malls as long as we protect ourselves and stay safe! 😷

      Liked by 1 person

      • ZeroSpace says:

        I couldn’t agree more. We are def on the same page here. For me personally it felt real good to get a haircut and to pick up a new trench coat and some business wear. :). I feel bad for people with kids. My co-worker has a kiddo that has dyslexia or something very similar and it’s like… she gets off work and has to deal with doing homework with her kid. There’s a lot of discussion about how tough it is on parents in general to be the teacher and the parent. What about when the kid *also* has a learning disability? You know? I don’t know how this kids / school thing is up there in CA but in USA it’s kind of a shit-show.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hilary Tan says:

        The school system is questionable in Canada. I am less than impressed with the university setup so I can’t imagine what the elementary school system is like. All I remember is that my mom wasn’t too impressed with it back when I was young. I feel that parents rely solely on the teacher to teach their kids, so when that is taken from them it becomes quite challenging. For kids with learning disabilities, it takes extra time and patience to teach these kids. After a long day of work, I can imagine that your coworker would be very exhausted. What about tutoring? Sometimes there are tutoring programs for elementary kids. It might give the parents a break too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ZeroSpace says:

        You know – I’m sure it’s spendy but maybe I’ll mention this to my co-worker. The tutor thing. Thanks. Just as… another option. I don’t have kids so I don’t have to deal with all this but I feel for her.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Liz says:

    Same wishes for you as Grace has already said.

    I alteady have felt I did not have a life since before Covoid, since more so from 2019 and so with that too my anxiety and stress is even higher.
    I feel my hands are tied behind my back and with exception of friends, no one else giving a shit.
    I was on annual leave from both jobs last week and something else cropped up which has just heightened my stress and anxiety more, as well as cost me money, so I don’t feel I have even had time off work. If I thought things couldn’t get worse, it did last week. It’s affecting my appetite now.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Hi Liz! Sometimes we don’t have people to lean on, especially when we could really use more support in our lives. It can feel extremely lonely not having a support system. I can relate to having stress and anxiety, as well as having a lack of money. My bank account isn’t looking too happy so I am cutting back on spending (easier said than done!). I guess we don’t realize what we have until the basic things are taken away from us. For you, it were your jobs. For me, it’s having no clinical placement to go to and no way to finish the semester. How we proceed from here is the question. 🤔

      Liked by 2 people

  6. ashok says:

    Good to hear from you after a long time Hilary and not so good to know about your isolation.

    Good or bad thing about life is: Nothing lasts 😊

    Stay safe. Stay joyous 😊🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      I’m feeling pretty crappy these days but luckily I don’t have COVID-19! Thank you, I’m hoping for a good outcome as well. After receiving a disheartening email earlier today my mood is pretty grim right now. I’m hoping for a miracle and that things go back to the way they were before I got kicked out of clinical 🙏🏻💕

      Like

  9. J.L. Boynes says:

    Hey there. Hang tight. I understand how one might get depressed during these hard times, especially since your a nurse and you have to face it almost everyday.
    Remember to take some time to meditate or just relax. Do some yoga or focus on hobbies. Call some friends or family. Hope all goes well for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Thank you for your kind words! I am a nursing student and not yet a nurse. I wish I was a nurse though! Still waiting for updates regarding how to proceed from here. For the time being, I am just taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too overwhelmed, even though it feels overwhelming some days.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. buddy71 says:

    this “time out” from clinical is NOT your fault and your school is very aware of this. take this time to relax a bit and to put in some extra time with family and with some school work too. unless your area is on a total lock down, one can have freedom by wearing a mask and keeping physical distance to go about most of life’s adventures. the county where i live slides back and forth from being #2 and #3 in the whole state of california for covid cases and deaths. business open and close almost on a monthly basis. national leadership refuses to lead in the right direction and way too many listen to the idiot and this helps keep the virus hanging around. my county is predominately republican and trump flags are as frequent as flowers. i am glad i dont have to work, but i have limited my travel to only local areas. not much to visit as many places remain closed so i do a lot of home stuff. lol stay strong!!!! stay well!! and stay safe!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Hi Buddy71! I have been out of school for 2 weeks with no end in sight. There is only so much relaxing I can do without feeling stressed out and frustrated about my current situation. The semester ends mid-December and I am only halfway done my hours. Other students have clinical placements to go to but I do not, and I was recently told that I will be moving to a different unit in a different hospital. I have been unable to connect with anyone regarding school and am feeling very vulnerable these days. Canada is not much better than the US as the pandemic has gotten bad again. I don’t think that people understand the consequences for their actions, or how their behaviour affects society as a whole.

      Liked by 1 person

      • buddy71 says:

        I really do understand your frustration. And I hope this situation will end for you very soon. I agree with you as I don’t think people understand the consequences for their actions or how their behavior affects society as a whole and that includes the president of the USA. I hope that by now or soon you can get a hold of somebody at your school to find out what is being done for you. But I’m sure it’s very hard for them also as I’m sure hospitals don’t want students. Please stay safe. Please stay well. And I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Yinda says:

    It’s nice to see you here again after so long Hilary. Quarantine sucks like hell and, there’s only so much isolation we humans can take. But your safety and that of your family is important so just hang in there Hilary 😊

    Over here, people have pretty much gone back to their normal lives, with masks and sanitizers of course. And so far, we’re doing alright.

    I hope youre able to resume clinicals soon.❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      I am finding it very difficult sitting at home knowing that I should be in school, and yet I cannot go to school. I can’t even go to drop-in practice labs because they shut that down due to the pandemic. Meanwhile my husband is telling me to look for jobs, and I am stressing out about how on earth I am going to finish this semester, and of course, graduate. 🙄

      Like

  12. ceponatia says:

    This has actually been the best 7 months of my life, strangely. I won’t elaborate because I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging to someone who just wrote that they weren’t doing well and I feel for you, sincerely. I suppose as a savage alcoholic for 18 years, my health hasn’t been a serious concern for me and now that I’m sober, even if I do get sick I’m still better than I’ve ever been. I still take every precaution because I live with a woman who is almost 70 (my mother not a sugar momma) and hits pretty much every risk factor for complications. I think that early on she went way over the top in how much she freaked out about it so I became annoyed with the pandemic hysteria right off the bat and now it doesn’t phase me. I don’t go out to eat and I schedule most things that can be scheduled ahead of time but I’ve been grocery shopping in stores since May. I think how much COVID stands out probably has a lot to do with where you live… here in Michigan nobody took it seriously and still doesn’t. I shouldn’t say that… we wear masks and all that but lockdown was never even remotely observed despite us immediately being one of the worst hit states in the country. We’re all AWARE of it here because anybody living in the Detroit area probably knows somebody who had COVID but at the same time we all know someone who had COVID and got better. The dying part doesn’t really hit home for me even though consciously I know it’s a possibility for everyone. I also got annoyed with how it only took like 2 weeks for it to become a right vs left political thing. It really seemed like we were all on the same page for once at first.

    I imagine we’re going to be living like this for at least another year so I’m just not even thinking about “normal” life. Maybe that’s what helps.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      It took me a few days to reply to your comment – I didn’t forget about you 😄 This past week has been absolute shit and I haven’t been super talkative lately. I am unable to go to go to school and nobody seems to have a clue about what’s going on. With each passing day, I am becoming more stressed out knowing that the end of the semester is around the corner and I still need those goddamn hours (please excuse my language). Not to mention a different hospital and clinical placement which I have yet to get more information about. I am madly refreshing my emails for updates which are nonexistent and I am getting angrier as time goes on….

      As for alcoholism, I cannot relate to the struggles that you have faced because I do not drink alcohol. If I did drink alcohol, it was an average of 2-3 times per year if that. I think that fear can scare humans into becoming healthier versions of themselves, especially when we are exposed to or live with people who are particularly vulnerable. It is good that you are aware of your mom’s health issues, and aware of her hypochondriac ways. My mother also has hysteria related to COVID-19 and refused to leave the house for months. I do not live in her province so that was particularly frustrating. I feel like COVID-19 is at its worst right now as people have completely abandoned the rules and forgot about staying safe. Now cases are breaking records on the daily in Canada. In a way, I cannot blame my mother for being hysterical but I had to keep reminding her that we cannot control how other people behave. All that I know is that this current situation sucks and I want to scream at certain people! 😑

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Joana says:

    I feel your frustration, this pandemic took the whole year from many people. We’re all trying to be fine in this awful times. Anyways, relax and distract yourself in the meantime while you wait. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      I admit it’s hard to find motivation to do anything productive right now. It’s unfortunate that many people’s lives have been affected by the pandemic. When I’m not feeling horrible, I’m worrying about school and applying for jobs (which I feel totally unqualified for….impostor syndrome is real). Anxiety is definitely at an all-time high right now 😖

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Julxrp says:

    You know what “Fine” means right..?
    Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

    You are completely correct. It is sad to see our lives held hostage for one reason or another. Certainly this Pandemic or should I say Plan-demic, has the world in right pickle.
    Honestly this might sound completely “conspiracy theorist”, but it is almost certain that someone is looking at this whole thing and having his giggles.
    We can’t live like this and we need to get back to the real normal.

    So no… I am not fine. I’m good. If we choose to let anxiety rule us then Covid has won. I refuse to let that happen to me. Therefore I just choosing to forget about Covid and think only about the positives in my life – actively looking for the silver lining in those clouds.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      LOL I like that! Totally gonna steal your acronym of FINE. 😂 Yup, that summarizes all the feels perfectly. Even though the pandemic has been a nightmare in terms of school, it has given me opportunities for employment that did not exist pre-pandemic. As long as there is an ongoing pandemic, there will be jobs for Albertans in health care #silver-linings. If I learned anything this year, it is to try and go with the flow even if it’s jagged-angry-raging-river rapids.

      Like

  15. Jessica E. Larsen says:

    No, I’m actually far from fine. And yes, I can relate. This empty feeling, so hard to explain. Yes, it doesn’t feel like depression, but maybe it’s the family. Like tigers are cats too… Anyway, whatever this feeling is, putting a name on it won’t make it better. I’m tired of lockdown getting push forward again and again. I wish for great news for Christmas and new year, but I’m losing hope. I feel like the government just wants to wear everyone out.
    I do my best to see only the positive thing around me though. I hope you’ll get better soon.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Depression is often situational, but not always. If it is situation, the good news is that it can be dealt with and managed. Most of my depression is situational… knowing that it can be dealt with gives me some peace of mind. 🙇‍♀️

      Speaking of lockdown, we are back to square one in Alberta. I feel that the more we focus on the things we don’t have or can’t have, the more frustrated and angry we get, and the more likely we are to rebel. I see people who aren’t following the rules. People who aren’t social distancing, travelling, and rebelling. It’s frustrating to me, especially since I haven’t seen my parents since December 2019.

      It would be nice to travel, but now is not the time. As the saying goes, this too shall pass. I honestly think that everyone is worn out. I don’t know anyone who totally digs this pandemic. 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♂️

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Right?? Arthur was my childhood. It’s such a shame how downhill that show went over the years. It used to be so good! New Arthur is awful (that’s what I call the newer episodes). My husband downloaded all of the episodes including the new ones.

      Liked by 1 person

      • simplywendi says:

        🙂 you are much younger than I am but I always enjoyed watching Arthur with my kiddos…….when I was young we lived so far out in the country that we didn’t receive many tv stations and absolutely no cable. There weren’t even enough phone lines for everyone!

        Liked by 1 person

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